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Aug 22, 2008

The Lonely, Desolate Life of Sniper Kitty

Sniper Kitty mans his solitary outpost. Day fades into day, night into night, until time is meaningless, the horizon becomes the only world he knows, and there is only the vigil to define him; the ceaseless waiting for the enemy that may come at any moment -- or not at all.

It's almost ... TOO quiet.

Then he sees it -- the foe he has waited an aching eternity to face:  The dreaded pen.  Instinct grips him now, stoked by the fear that burns in the furnace of his soul, the sickening knowledge that only one may succeed, and one must fail.  It is either bat -- or be batted.

tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP ...

His prey draws closer.  Each second hangs forever in the icy winter stillness.  Small sounds echo in his ears now -- a faint footstep, a rustling of leaves -- speaking to a sense beyond sense, flowing into him, guiding him, telling him when the moment is right ...

Enjoy a swatting of LIBERTY, vile oppressor!

And then, without warning, he strikes!  Channeling all his energy into one focused lunge, with devastating force he ... he ... heeee reeeeally likes tuna, he thinks.  Tuna is delicious.  Very tasty, indeed.  He could go for some tuna right now, in fact.  Because he really, really enjoys tuna.  He likes tuna.  He likes tuna a lot.

And furthermore, I like tuna.

See, this is why cats never won a war, Mark J.

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Comments

Hilarious post! So true.

floppycat
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:49 AM

hehehehehhehehehhehehehehehe

awesome.

kaye
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:50 AM

*clap clap clap*

Bravo, NTMTOM, bravissimo.

Anastasia Beaverhausen
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:50 AM

bty, I LOVE the goatie.

floppycat
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:54 AM

Poor, poor kitty! Hoisted by his own petard!

Winni-Pig
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:55 AM

ditto what Anastasia said. By the way, love the W&G reference.

meowandwoof
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:58 AM

"here kitty, kitty, kitty.. I'm a Tuna!!! I'm a Tuna" I can remeber what show that was from.. but they put a tuna can on this kids head and he ran around saying that.. it turned out to be a ghost kitty...

katiedid
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 05:58 AM

Its a jack-in-the-bag kitty!

jabbo
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:11 AM

tee hee hee

Thanks for the great laugh to start my day.

Dogbreath
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:21 AM

Dammit, pen, I'll get you someday!

Babs
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:25 AM

I seem to remember this scene in "All Quiet on the Western Front", but without the enticement of tuna.

ThreeCatNight
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:28 AM

Fantastic, NTMTOM! Gave me a good chuckle. :)

Beautiful kitteh, too!

Pens are evil, indeed.

Eastie
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:29 AM

Thanks Nom Tom...This is just what I needed today...the start of Cornfest (Our counties largest music festival and carnival and I am helping run it AHHH)

Love the Mr. Clean Disinfecting Wipes on the bed. Maybe someone should send an informational leaflet on BoxHab to this kitteh? I hear they have a new 12 box size program

Jmper
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:33 AM

My favorite (though nowhere near the cutest) post.

NTMTOM is a genius.

Joe
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:39 AM

Good one, NTMTOM.

hey-h
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:48 AM

But.. but.. it's a GIRL cat.

Morganna
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:49 AM

You know you're pathetic when you can recognize a NTMTOM post halfway thru the first sentence! That would be me!

Brilliant! Just f-ing brilliant!

RJ Flamingo
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:50 AM

Pathetic hooman, you theenk I only have the Bat, Bat in my armoury. Little do you know; I keep a thermo nuclear device as a suppository up my tush. Hang on, is that such a good idea???

Hon Glad
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:52 AM

While I intellectually know that the tag on that box reads RS Cotton Box, I prefer to think of it now as RS Cat-in Box.

Jae
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:53 AM

Thanks, meowandwoof.

I *heart* Karen.

Almost as much as I *heart* NTMTOM. (Or, Nom Tom... ha! love that, Jmper!)

Anastasia Beaverhausen
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:55 AM

so when do we get to see the tuna episode?

just put some tuna juice on his nose and roll the cameras then post it

pleez

blair
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:57 AM

LURVE the orange and black inkspots on tha kitteh!

Get it? Inkspots? Inkpen in the pic? Oh, never mind!

CUTE KITTEH!!!

Juniper Jupiter
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 06:59 AM

BRILLIANT. so well written, too.

carriegood
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:02 AM

Is not sniper kitty a girl kitty? Calicos are pretty much always girl kitties, or are otherwise very, very confused.

She is beautiful *and* deadly!

Gozer
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:04 AM

NTMTOM writes cat the way Simon Tofield draws'em. So funny......

Birdcage
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:07 AM

Indeed Juniper...she looks like she's been nomming that pen a little already. I love her cheek floof muffin-topping over the side of the box! *splthth!*

MandaBain
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:11 AM

Yup, that's clearly a lil' gal. Very cute, too. Cute, cute and deadly.

Theresa
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:11 AM

@Anastasia: I'm not sure who came up with Nom Tom. It sure wasnt me, my brain melted and ran out my ears sometime last week.

Jmper
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:12 AM

@Juniper Jupiter, A friend of mine was searching her memory for the "Inklings," the literary group of CS Lewis and Tolkien, and came up instead with "The Inkspots." ;) Hear friends never let her forget it, and periodically serenade her with choruses of "If I Didn't Care."

Theresa
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:13 AM

Nom Tom, that was a great teeny mini short story for Friday morning. I love looking at her face in the last pic and imagine she's thinking "TUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAA" as she stares wistfully.

Erebella
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:22 AM

This was fabulous! NTMTOM you are such a talented writer. You should write a book, about the sniper kitty, it could be the next big CO product.

Noelle
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:22 AM

(Scene from Fargo 2: Later, at the crime scene.) What ya got here, see, is a classic case' a luurkenschproing. See, da cat, he waited in da box, all quiet. An' den da pen came down this way, and it wouldn't even a' had a chance, 'cep for dat canna tuna yer roommate opened in da kitchen over dere.

Ya got any a dat left, by any chance? I just had a donut for breakfast.

Mel2
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:26 AM

Very funny and well written . My cat likeds to stalk pens too.

rug
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:38 AM

Brilliant writing as usual NTMTOM.

I love how, when kittens play fight, when one finally gets the upper paw, he suddenly pauses, looking somewhere off to the side. You look and there's really nothing interesting there. You have no idea what's distracting him.

I guess cats never grow out of that.

David
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:41 AM

I loves her little elegant 'stache and goatee. She looks more like a kitty supervillain than a kitty superhero!

Lurker
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:43 AM

lmao@"lurkenschproing"

I had a marmie that was famous for that. Seemed like he'd wait forever for the perfect victim to happen by his hunting blind (usually a bag or the hem of a drapery).

Michelle S
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:46 AM

around here when we see a kitten stalking, we'll often say... death... beware of pointy death!

Esther Sassaman
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:55 AM

also, mike - calico kittehs are almost always girls!

Esther Sassaman
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 07:56 AM

Beautifully done NOMTOM. It could have been such a good luurkensproing, to, but alas, it was n- did I ever tell you about the time...?

Katrina
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:05 AM

Just like my house...it's 'Short Attention Span Theatre' 24/7!!!

Gail (the first one)
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:05 AM

love the kitty, love the post, love nontom.

btw, nom, are you a writer in real life? cause if you're not, you need to quit your other job and become one, like, now...

@gail: "short attention span theater" lol!

ashagato
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:23 AM

NTMTOM is a genius.

Kitty on the other hand, while seemingly smart, is really just a cat the lurves tuna.

heather
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:29 AM

Looking forward to the novel, NTMTOM!

tracey
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:40 AM

I love your stories, Meg. Course, it's most likely a girl, but no matter.

(PS, my tortie would make a great sniper, she's really mean)

fleabit
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:42 AM

oh, sorry, got the wrong author!

great post NTMTOM

fleabit
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:43 AM

What a perfect way to start a Friday! And what a cute kitteh face--such adorable splotches! I can't help but wonder what the rest of the kitteh looks like...

Berg
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:46 AM

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! The first frame would have been enough, but you kept going!!!!!!
Rock on!

Derby
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 08:56 AM

Because the pen is mightier than the claw...I mean the paw is mightier than the pen..I mean the Claw is mightier than the pen... I mean where is my tuna???? servant.

Annie
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 09:00 AM

Sniper Kitty is guarding the quilting going on in the background. Guarding so she can deposit "natural fibers" all over the work in progress.

sedro6
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 09:03 AM

Fantastic storytelling, very funny! It's so true, my own kitty genius could rule the world someday if she could ever remember what she was doing.

Also I was going to point out that this sniper is a girlkitty but I see several people have already done so. Easy rule, NTMOM, any time you see orange and black together it's almost guaranteed to be a girl. They make the best sniperkitties, too.

Mitsu
 |  Aug 22, 2008 at 09:05 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.

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